Friday, November 2, 2012
Democrat vs. Republican vs. Beetlejuice
One of my coworkers today broke the monotony of classic rock playing on the radio by telling me about her recent encounters with a one legged man she refers to as Charles Manson. This was a welcome story because 10 hours of classic rock mixed in with political commercials this time of year make 10 hours feel like 20 hours of hell.
My coworker, who we will call Jane, started telling me all about Mr. Manson. She said he was constantly trying to flag her down for a ride when she passed him walking the long dirt road they both lived on. Jane’s face pulled tight with disgust when she described how filthy he was. She said he never wore shoes, or a shoe, on his one good foot, and he smelled so badly it was almost impossible to stand within 10 feet of him without gagging. But topping off all of her descriptions was her saying how one day in her home town’s convenient store she saw a roach on the floor run to him not away from him like they do with most folks. This is about the time my imagination started to take over. I pondered questions in my mind all while giving an occasional nod and smile to Jane’s ramblings. How dirty do you have to be to have roaches run to you in a store? Does Manson’s wooden foot look like it was made by the same guy that made the Happy Gilmore hand? Why doesn’t he wear shoes or a shoe? Man he must have one dusty ass foot…
Jane finally finished her tale and I went back to work. Now with yet another ad playing on the radio. I had to wonder, with all these political promises being made, what would the politician do for this one-footed, roach drawing man? If he had the power to vote would Mr. Mason suddenly become part of their demographic? Each ad I hear these days the politician sounds more and more like a used car salesman. The only difference they’re selling dreams instead of cars. I guess the easiest way do describe my line of thinking on this is, each time I hear these ads I instantly think of that commercial in Beetlejuice. You remember, the one with him riding the mechanical bull swinging a lasso, claiming to be the afterlife’s leading Bio-Exorcist.
As the day drug on, I amused myself with the thought of the politician selling their dreams sitting on a bull with a lasso dressed like Beetlejuice each time I heard an ad. In my mind I could see them approaching the one legged Mr. Manson with their best smile, “Good day Mr. Manson. What a lovely roach you have on your shoulder. Let’s get down to business. What would it take to get you in to a new leg today? I really need your vote, you see. So, if I get your support, there may be a new leg in this for you. Well, kinda new. Well, newer than the one you have now. The only real problem it’s a left leg and you’re missing your right. But think about this. How much fun would it be to leave footprints in the sand with two left feet. Folks would always know it was you. I may even be able to throw in a pair of new shoes with it. It’d be hell getting the right one on but we could grease that bad boy up and get you where you need to go. I just need your vote and we can make your new left foot a reality. So, what do you say Mr. Manson? Can our party depend on you?”
I know after reading my absurd thoughts on these political commercials you may think I’m way off base with how ridiculous I think some of these ads have become. But listen to them for 10 hours a day loading splinter filled wood and you might see that they are sounding a little more like Beetlejuice and less like people that will lead us. But what do I know, I’m only a writer with a big imagination living one day at a time…